undiluted, disaddictive, unreasonable me

today alot happened. and its not like any other day. i mean things happen to you on a daily basis. people die. people leave. people betray u. and then there comes days when things happen in a way that makes you unable to stop thinking about the past. its disappointing how little control i have over my emotions. its so dangerous. its a loop hole. a weapon for people who want to hurt me. then again, you dont know who i am either.
i thought i loved 2 people in my life. romantically. and i think i love someone again. the initial part of the relationship is over, the lust. the novelty has worn of for her. and we have gone or still are in the initial fighting blaming cursing part of the relationship, the trying to understand part. and to be honest i have also had time to go past this to the acceptance part. and truth be told i honestly believe that this relationship will work out. god willing. and if i dont do anything stupid.
talking of things stupid. before i have confessed my true love for someone. i have said that it would last. and it would, hopefully. but yet i fail to forget the others i have loved. its weird. and insensitive and very possibly unfair. i think about what could have been, i dream about it. day dream. i dont know if i still love these women. after years they call me up and i talk to them like nothing had happened between us. and that we were still together. but yet we are not. im supposed to hate them, some of them for what they did. and be ashamed for things that i have done to them. but yet again i fail. is it a total disregard to my current love that i still think about my previous ones? is it still my insecurity? my whim? my disability?