its hard to kill yourself. i mean its easy killing another person but its hard killing yourself. after an overdose you wake up all groggy head pumping with why the fuck didnt i die. i didnt die. its not easy taking alot of pills, slitting my wrists, i mean yea sure blood comes dripping out but i cant bleed out, theres someone there who gets in the way. n after u get caught u gota see psychees and hear ppls taunts and bevun. i hate that. wat i hate most "this is not ur life to take, its gods".. is it? so why doesnt he give a shit about me? isnt he not supposed to be stubborn n shit... i dunno
is it self pity? i need the fucking attention.. thats y i hurt myself.. tats my prognosis anyway.. i try to kil myself.. it has nothing to do with i hate living, it sucks, ive gotten wat i wanted out of it and i dnt wana go through shit.. i need attention.. guess i need attention..
hey all u ppl out there reading this shit.. i need love and affection..please help me .. oh yeah in the end put in some betrayal, back stabbing and oh yeah my favourite cheat on me. that would be great.. animal are better company than people, they dont turn around and bite u, stab u in the back, hurt you so fucking much that its numb now.. how does a person go from feeling everything to feeling nothing? i dont... you know wat i see now? flesh walking around, coffees that could be drunk.. money that can be taken.. wen i see people..
im not better than u.. noo.. im sure offended.. sure u are.. i just called u assholes.. just did.. assholes.. im not better.. im not superior.. thats why i want to kill myself.. im just like u... selfish beyond reason, asking for forgiveness for the horrific things that u do, lust beyond imagination, thirst for power, money glory.. backstabbing.. wimps.. i see the insignificance of my creation.. what are we? ants? we get born, we grow up, get a job, get a wife, get a kid, work till we cant get it up, get divorced, pay for sex, not talk to our kid, die trying to get to the bathroom on time... yea yea.. im clinically depressed but im not prescribed depression pills so to speak..cause im a danger to myself..n the ppl around me... "I know that I was born and I know that Ill die.
The in between is mine..." .. its mine..

undiluted, disaddictive, unreasonable me

today alot happened. and its not like any other day. i mean things happen to you on a daily basis. people die. people leave. people betray u. and then there comes days when things happen in a way that makes you unable to stop thinking about the past. its disappointing how little control i have over my emotions. its so dangerous. its a loop hole. a weapon for people who want to hurt me. then again, you dont know who i am either.
i thought i loved 2 people in my life. romantically. and i think i love someone again. the initial part of the relationship is over, the lust. the novelty has worn of for her. and we have gone or still are in the initial fighting blaming cursing part of the relationship, the trying to understand part. and to be honest i have also had time to go past this to the acceptance part. and truth be told i honestly believe that this relationship will work out. god willing. and if i dont do anything stupid.
talking of things stupid. before i have confessed my true love for someone. i have said that it would last. and it would, hopefully. but yet i fail to forget the others i have loved. its weird. and insensitive and very possibly unfair. i think about what could have been, i dream about it. day dream. i dont know if i still love these women. after years they call me up and i talk to them like nothing had happened between us. and that we were still together. but yet we are not. im supposed to hate them, some of them for what they did. and be ashamed for things that i have done to them. but yet again i fail. is it a total disregard to my current love that i still think about my previous ones? is it still my insecurity? my whim? my disability?

love

love is a word people use to get what they want. its supposed to be this emotion when its just a need. humans are born with the tendecies called self worth, self pity and a fear of loneliness. all emotions that make us dependant. make us crave for companionship. we need a person to say that they need us. we need someone to tell us that they will always be there. we need someone to tell us that they would always understand.

why do people fall in love and why do people seperate? many argue that sex is the most important part of love, but what is sex? isnt sex an extra curricular activity for most of us? isnt sex just another exercise? isnt it just a need? if sex was what glued people together why do people have sex with endless amounts of people?

people get married, people get divorced. some get married to have sex, yes. therefore after the initial euphoria the novelty wears off, they get divorced. but for many the sex can be great but they might end up divorced. why? how different do u think our lives are? what girls and boys life are? we have annoying habits. each and every one of us. things that the other person doesnt realise until they start living together. this is one reason too. whats the next most degenerate one? we take the person we say we love for granted. we dont beleive that they would leave us. we have this false sense of security. and we change. we dont kiss them good morning. we dont go shopping with them because theres a game on tv. things we did become things we dont remember to do. and the irony is that we dont know that we do this until its too late.

i dont believe in love. i believe in lust (attraction) and then understanding and more importantly acceptance. any too people can work out if they have these three qualities.

Its believed that your best friend can be the best life partner you could have. i believe this upto a certain limit because theres a limit to a friends understanding too. whatever the cause, whatever we do, whatever we believe in we are still humans.

for me love is not a pillar. its not the start and its not the end. i woudnt even agree that it does exist as a feeling. love is just a word people use to express their sexual and emotional insecurities, euphoria, fear and pain.

bakari, soomaaree and bali kujjaa

i hate this place. why send me to places when i dont need to be there. when its impossible to get there. and when nothing planned out and all i have is a fucking phone number of a person who doesnt even know who i was. who i fucking represent. im telling you this is the last fucking time i`m ever going to be soaked to the skin waiting for a dhoni that never shows up. im really think i wont have a problem with murder. in my mind they are already dead. think up of ways to do this. think up of ways to slowly but painfully remove their oversize exteriors and gnaw out their innards. you know what i would like to do. go upto my fucking boss and shout at him with the top of my lungs. till i go hoarse. till i bleed from my throat. just shout. nothing in particular just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. Hmm. Maybe when i get the guts to fucking quit. that wud be one day people walk naked on the road. i dont know why these fucking people even exist. i mean to do nothing in office what the hell do u guys get paid for. coming to work and then going for tea?? or smoking. i hate you. i cant go out for a fucking smoke and u guys are all over the place. i hate you. possible you know that by the way i look at you. there should be a way for me to legally harass you guys. worry worry cause i will find it. put cow dung in your in tray. the gov would be a better place if they got rid of these fucking stupid uneducated ass fuckers. whew. i feel better now. *rolls eyes*

oh my god

i dont know what it is about you that i dont like. you making good people suffer and bad people not. i mean c`mon you laid out the rules. so why dont u go after the people who dont follow you. i mean why? why do the people who drink all day and drink all night get to be rich and powerful so they could ruin the lives of countless others?? i mean why have a God then? be good and you will be rewarded. be bad and you will be punished. these are all things you have said to everyone of us through your messengers. i mean you make this world your little playground. and then you made us. acutally you made adam then eve. then they started what i call the human kismet. the human kismet consists of what you already know. you give us this world, then you give us what we started to call feelings. you know regret, happiness, sadness but why make things like lust and wanting and envy a feeling? i mean why make us so that we have the abilities to screw up? is that your game? i mean its written before we are born what paths we will choose but its upto us to do the right thing? if you already know what we are gona do before we do it, why make us go through it? why is it cause the devil saw the inevitable in the human species? where we would end up in? you would know that too. why make us go through this life? why make the good people go through the hunger, the sadness, why make them loose and loose and loose while fucked up gangsters gain. the human kismet revolves around the humans. i have two theories for this. one is after making eve, from then on you havent done anything for or to us. you havent created tidal waves. you havent created tornadoes or landslides. you didnt make men kill each other. you did not start wars. you did not start affairs. you didnt give us pleasure or happiness. you wernt the one who made it possible for us to smile. you just sit back and watch. whats the other theory? oh yeah. you do all this. you pester us. you make life living hell for some people. you reward the bad and the good. you pick out some people and make them loose and loose and loose, i just dont know what you`re trying to do. clear the small smudge of faith they have left in you? why? why do you make it so hard to believe in you. love you. pray for you. i know you exist cause by chance humans cannot be created. we did not come from a universal big bang. we did not evolute from monkeys *rolls eyes* Darwin. dumass. humans are the like from a convention of the worst creations. we cheat, we swindle, we kill, we rape, we molest and some of us eat our own kind. how could some entity so disgusting just be created. so complex. i just dont know about you, you know. i dont know if what happens in our lives depends on your will, or humans do this to each other.i just dont know. religion is overrated.

women

you guys are so damn hard to be with. i mean whats wrong with you guys? whats wrong when we go out with you? i hate the some of the stuff you guys do. you call guys pigs what are you?? you guys do alot of stupid, unreasonable stuff. especially in relationships. you know what pisses me off most? its when you guys talk about changes. how we fucking change. how when you say your love you`s we dont reply as enthusiastic as before. but why you dont you see the past. when i thought the reply to i love you was. hmmmm. i didnt mind. i knew you would come around. i knew it would change. i wasnt ok with it but i had to accept that. and ask you for change. after a year into the relationship ofcorse i change. i mean its inevitable. its not cause i dont love you as much. cause i dont care as much. what the hell. it just means im secure in the fact that you wont leave me. i m secure about our relationship. and when you say i love you. i know you love me. and when i say hmmm ... after all the fucking stuff i`ve done for you. all the things. think about everything. before you start thinking that i dont love you anymore. when i wake up when i dont have to to make you happy for your convenience thats love. a guy doesnt have to do that. many dont. and the people who do, do it gets this? women, seriously.. sheesh
and when you guys get married its like you are standing infront of the public complaints bureau. do this . do that. you dont do this. you dont do that. take down the toilet seat. dont watch tv so much. why are your clothes on the floor? why dont you go out enjoy the sunshine? you dont love me as much. you dont care as much. you wernt like this when we were going out. you changed. AARRGGH. When we were going out we were going out. i got out of my house got one a cycle and then went to pick you up at your house. we did not live together. we lived apart and spent almost only 3 to 4 hours everyday on average. now you`re in my fucking life. i havent changed. i watch tv the same amount as before. i do things the way i do things. i love you the way i have loved you. i havent changed. if i had changed i wont wake you up with a kiss. i wont take you to our anniversary dinner. i woudnt leave a bed of roses when anything special ever happens to you. but all you can see is that i dont clean the toilet. or that i dont flush. *shrugs* *sighs*

first ever

so like i said this blog is going to be about my rants and complaints. so i guess i should start way way from the past. so here goes. MOM DAD you made me be alone. i ate alone when i was young. why do u think i`d be more happier now eating with you guys? i go to the dinner table and all u can ask me is why i was late for work maybe once last week or why you think i should be more careful when i pick gf`s. or that you think my hair is too long. i grew old being alone. i have biologically 3 brothers but they wernt there when i grew up. they were abroad or too old. what do you expect from me? i wont just go and sit on their lap now im older. im not 10 years old. just why vant you guys leave me alone. i like to eat alone. i hate talking when im eating. i dont know how i survive parties where you have to eat. what you gota balance a plate with your hand, maneuver a drink near you, eat with a fork or spoon, and also i have to talk to a bunch of people i dont even know. seriously i hate going to parties. its not the music or the place, its isnt cause i think weddings are corny and shit. just fucked up people piss me off. bottom line. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!